I feel... bad.
From a couple of weeks I feel really down. And it's not something like "I hate my life" and "I want to die". No.
I like my life, it's really great. I love it. I just don't feel calm inside. I'm always nervous or tired or, here it comes, scared. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm sleepy, but I don't want to lie down, I don't want to be lazy. I know that in that situation I should listen to my body but I... I just think that I rest too long when I'm doing this.
Everybody says to me: "It's not that easy. You don't rest by relaxing only by 15 minutes". But I can't do that in school week. I just can't. I can't lie on my bed in work week. If I let my body relax, I won't do anything more that sitting and scrolling down photos of healthy food, fruits, animals, coffee shops - you can think that I'm werid, but that crap really calms me down [coffee shops calms me down, sitting in them or dunno, just beeing in them]. When I rest a little bit, I'm resting completely.
I always hated school. Not people, just school as a place. My emotions are trapped there and I feel totally down. I try to fight with this everyday, but these days It's too hard for me and I'm sad about this, because I don't want Kaldira
to have a sad, grumpy friend all the time. I know she will survive my mood, because she has a good heart and she's an awesome friend but... She don't deserve it. I should be for my friends and other people, not people for me. In that moments I feel that people suffer because of me. I should make them happy.
Also I have an eating problem. You see... I was suffering with eating disorder for a long time past two years. I lost 19kg in a short period of time, because I wanted to be prettier. I starved myself. Suddenly my organism stopped working correctly and I had an energy only to lie on bed and look at the walls. My mood was terrible, I was like in depression. I was always cold and shivering. I just killed my body. I had to go to a lot of doctors, because at first they thought that there was something wrong with my thyroid, but it was not. It was just my brain.
It was a long fight for me to finally start eating normally, but It was easy in one thing - I'm a healthy-eater I just needed to eat more.
sorry for a long story, but that needed an explaination. I will write about it more I guess, but other time.
Let's get back to that eating problem. I lost 2kg these days, because of stress and nerves [my mom was in hospital, and that was really serious also school and all the exams] and I need to eat. But I can't, because when I'm hungry and I eat a thing I always feel sick from it. Like I was too full or eat too much. It's not that I think that I ate too much, my stomach just feels like it. I don't like it, because food which I eat is delicious [little loaf of breat with corn, zucchini and cheese come on! Tastes like heaven!]. I figured out that my stomach is maybe smaller that before and I have to eat smaller portions of food but more often. That helps a little bit, but still sometimes that's a problem.
Do you think that this is from stress or should I go to this to the doctor?
I want to be left alone and the same time I need company. I want to hug, but then a few seconds later, I escape and don't want to be touched. I feel cold and sleepy and my legs and arms hurt.
I wake up every day at 6:00AM and I'm home at 4:30PM/7:00PM. Well, that sucks.
Sorry I just needed to write this down, thank you for reading, really. I love the fact that you're all here to watch my artworks.
Thank you. Be safe. Treat yourself [because I can't] and stay warm.